Conquering Fear

I have an incredible opportunity. A remarkable opportunity, really. I've been accepted to spend the summer at the BYU Jerusalem Center. I'm so excited, but reading through the student handbook, I realize how different it will be. I can't take my cell phone and watching Netflix is a no-go. I can't go running in my Nike shorts every morning and making myself no-bake cookies? Forget about it. I have to give up dating and flirting for 3 months. That's pretty tough. Shirts have to be up to my collar bones and skirts to mid-calf. Don't look men directly in the eye-- that's an invitation for sexual harassment. All of these little things I never even thought about. Things that I do every day. Things I won't be able to do. A completely foreign culture I have to abide by. So many little things. It terrifies me to think of leaving my family. Not having a break-- I like to have breaks. Being in a different country for 3 months? Ahh. It would be so much easier to just stay home, just say, "no thanks". But I would regret it for the rest of my life. I have an opportunity to go to the Holy Land. The place of Christ's ministry and atonement. How can I not go? I can put aside worldly things for a short period of time to come closer to my Savior. It's the least I can do. Isn't it? No matter who doesn't read this, it's okay. I needed to just work these things out for myself. I needed to write down my fears and address them. I need to be brave. This is my time to prove that I'm more than just the tall girl who is majoring in English. I'm more than just the name "Tiffany Erickson". I am strong. I am smart. I am bold. I am courageous, and with the help of my Father in Heaven, I can conquer any fear.

2012

Became a True Brave
Got My Patriarchal Blessing
Had a Valentine
Got the Perfect Prom Dress
Played Snoopy in You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown
Became an Aunt
Graduated High School with High Honors
Got a House in St. George
Sang Like No One Was Listening
Wrote a Missionary
Saw 5 Broadway Shows
Learned to Play Tennis
Cried So Hard I Couldn't Breathe
Performed in New York City
Got Vocal Surgery
Dyed My Hair Dark
Saw Aida
Moved to Provo
Watched BBC Robin Hood
Got an A in American Heritage
Had Date Night With My Dad Every Week
Had My First Paying Photo Session
Volunteered for Blue Crew
Started To Drink Almond Milk
Laughed So Hard I Cried
Turned Nineteen
Learned to Make Chicken Curry
Moved On
Declared an English Major
Watched 5 Seasons of One Tree Hill
Bleached My Hair Blonde
Said Goodbye to Hayden Call
Did a Victory Dance
Drank a Lot of Hot Chocolate
Survived My First Semester at BYU
Started Running
Got Bangs
Had a White Christmas

No Faking Necessary

You know the expression "fake it 'til you make it"? That has essentially been my motto for the past year. Things happen, big changes occur, and you can't do anything to stop it. You just have to fake that you're okay. You lose friends, you move away from home, your heart gets broken, you miss someone until you can't breathe, and you get dropped into overwhelming situations; all you can do is push forward and hope for a brighter and easier tomorrow. I don't think that "easier tomorrow" has ever come, but the days have been getting brighter as I stumble along.

You lose friends and your heart gets broken. Those are two things that every person suffers through; I know I have. People change, you change, we grow apart. Sometimes when a person leaves your life, there isn't another person to fill that void. You just have to keep getting out of bed everyday because there isn't exactly a choice. But one day you might wake up and realize the void isn't quite as big as it was yesterday. That's happened to me over the past year. It sucks to leave high school, and leave everything you've ever known. It's hard when your friends go out of state, or even just a few hours away. But it gets better with time, as cliche as that sounds.

As I was dropped off at my apartment in Wyview Park, I felt so small, so inadequate. I went to my classes, hoping that I would somehow be able to just slide by. My assignments were difficult. I felt like I was just stabbing in the dark, trying to guess what the professors wanted. I messed up a bit, but I soon learned that faking was no longer necessary, stabbing was no longer necessary-- at least not as much as before.

I feel like life is all about doing things that are foreign and unknown, and just learning how to deal with them. The joy comes from stepping outside your comfort zone and into the dark abyss, and finding something even better than you could have imagined. I've found that I'm usually pushed into the dark involuntarily, but I have found that most incredible pieces of myself that I never would have found otherwise.

When life pushes us into the unknown, sometimes all we can do is fake it 'til we make it. Eventually there will be no faking necessary and the dark will be lifted.

Thanksgiving Miracle

If I make it to Tuesday without my brain exploding, it will be a Thanksgiving Miracle. I have had so much to do this week... it's quite literally insanity. I don't think my brain has ever hurt this much... at least not since I had to take two AP tests back to back on the same day. Sheesh. That was rough. But this is pretty bad too. Besides readings and normal homework assignments, I had a Biology essay, an American Heritage essay, a persuasive research essay (10 pages), and a proposal for a different persuasive research essay. ALL BEFORE THANKSGIVING.

Yikes.

So I reiterate-- If I make it to Tuesday without my brain exploding, it will be a Thanksgiving Miracle.

But I'm going home tonight to spend the weekend, which should be a nice break from all of the BYU craziness. I'm also going to improv tonight with the lovely Erica Farnes. It shall be fun.

Adios.

P.S. Today, while updating my facebook status, I had the most horrendous urge to swear... TWICE in one status. It would have been as follows:

Thank G** it's Friday, Bit****. 

Weird.

But don't be alarmed... I never posted it. 

Adios... Again.

Oh, The Fall Colors

Just some quick pictures of Matt & Andrea!

Much Love, 

Tiffany Sue

P.S. Want some portraits or something of the like? Contact me! I'd love to take pictures for you!

Someday Soon

Someday soon I'll be able to sing again. Full-fledged singing. YES. It has been over a year since I've been able to successfully belt and I miss it ever so much. I've been keeping a mental list of the songs I want to sing when I'm fixed... Let's see how many I can get down.

Astonishing- Little Women
Flight- Sutton Foster
Listen- Dream Girls
Get Out And Stay Out- 9 to 5
Mr. and Mrs. Smith- SMASH
I Dreamed A Dream- Les Mis
So Much Better- Legally Blonde
Fools Fall In Love- All Shook Up
Seven Wonders- Catch Me If You Can
Defying Gravity- Wicked
I Know The Truth- Aida
You And I- Ingrid Michaelson
Your Love Is My Drug- Ke$ha
Call Me Maybe- Carly Rae Jepsen
In Whatever Time We Have- Children of Eden
Stranger To The Rain- Children of Eden
Who Will Love Me As I Am?- Sideshow

That's a pretty good list... maybe I'll be able to sing through them without killing myself by next September. Always looking up!

Peanut Butter

Where did this insane craving for peanut butter come from? I'm not sure, but I have it. Every day I tell myself if I pass up on the cookies taunting me by the cash register at Subway, I can have a spoonful of peanut butter when I get home. It worked. I tricked myself into thinking that peanut butter was a dessert! Then... dun dun dun... I started have reactions to the peanut butter. Psychological or allergic, I'm not sure, but it was definitely a reaction. ARE YOU SERIOUS? I finally find a healthy substitute to chocolate and sweets and I get a scratchy throat, canker sores, and irritated skin? Unfair. Maybe the reaction is to the stress of a new college existence. I hope that's the case... I miss my Peanut Butter.

Fresh[man] Start

I have begun my life as a college student. I have been at BYU for a solid week and I have absolutely loved it. Yes, I'm a nerd and I sit in at least the first three rows in all of my classes. Some interesting things I have discovered about myself since moving to Provo:

1. I can exist having cucumbers and celery for dinner (but not for long).
2. I can eat a yogurt in under 30 seconds.
3. I can ride a bus and get to the places I need to.
4. I have read more this week than in all of my high school experience.
5. I really like my biology class.
6. I enjoy spoonfuls of peanut butter... although I think I'm mildly allergic.
7. One of my biology readings was by an author that I have previously read and truly enjoyed (Atul Gawande).
8. I can't stand eating Subway every day.
9. Pretty Little Liars relieves stress and serves as a good break from studying.
10. If I watch too much Pretty Little Liars I can no longer focus.
11. I appreciate my parents taking me out to eat.
12. I have become a college student; starving, frugal, sleep deprived.
13. Studying while on my bed is a bad idea.
14. I miss texting people... or knowing people to text.
15. I can go to church all on my own and actually have the motivation to go to all three hours... the same cannot be said for building meetings.
16. I miss my mom taking care of me; laundry, food, etc.
17. I find it odd that I no longer have to ask anyone if it's okay for me to go somewhere.
18. I love BYU football games. 
19. I can eat healthy. Only a few slip ups this week; pasta for lunch, chips and dip (anyone surprised?), nachos, and a small piece of chocolate.
20. It's been seven days and I haven't killed/starved myself yet... SUCCESS.

Bailing to Backpack

I was seriously considering bailing on college. Who needs a higher level of education anyway? I hear that the tree-cutters in Alaska, even without high school diplomas, are doing pretty well. I walked around campus, huffing and puffing, searching for my classes. Wouldn't it be so much simpler to just say "no"? I could just sit on my parent's couch for the rest of my life, eating potato chips and watching "Pretty Little Liars". No need to meet new people, learn new things. No need to get up early in the morning and catch the shuttle or trek to campus. No need.

But then I got a new backpack. It's pretty, but not in a super girly way. I refused to get a girly backpack. I wanted a backpack that looked good... but not super masculine. I got it in ice blue. I have a major weakness for school supplies. Going back to school is worth it to buy some notebooks and a spanking new pack of ballpoint pens. I love it. So, this new backpack fits into my school supply obsession. So how could I possibly give up on college when I have this wonderful new school accessory? It just wouldn't be right.

So folks, I'm going to college. Thank you dearest Osprey backpack for saving my college education, and quite possibly, my life.

What Is Love?

The famous question, "what is love?" is extremely hard to answer. I don't know if I've ever felt it truly, but I found the most beautiful descriptions. This is one of the purest sentiments of love I've ever seen:

"It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff, now; so he shall never know how I love him; and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same, and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire."

This excerpt from Wuthering Heights along with the following Shakespearean sonnet serve as a pretty darn good summation of what I believe love is.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! It is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's no Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Yes... this is my inner English nerd coming out.

Hobbies. What?

As I was filling out a form for the bishop of my new ward in Provo... I realized I have no hobbies. How sad is that? Doesn't everyone have hobbies? I asked my parents for some hobby examples; fixing cars and gardening. The only thing I know about cars is that they need gas before the orange needle points at the big E and that the more horse-power, the better. Gardening? I tried that once. Things didn't bode so well for the pansies I planted. It's pretty safe to say that I lack a green thumb. Some other famous hobbies I have heard of are things down the alley of "stamp collecting". I have to admit that I do see more stamps than the average teenager, but most definitely not because I collect them. I throw those stamps onto envelopes addressed "Elder" so fast, no one could ever mistake me for a collector. Scrapbooking. Isn't that considered a hobby? I like cutesy paper and pictures, but when it comes to writing in a swirly font, forget about it. My handwriting is comparable to chicken scratch (side note: The most awful thing I write is my name. The "ff" gets me every time). My dad did happen to mention photography in his very limited list of examples. What are the odds that there had been a photography box under "Interests/Skills" earlier on in the form? Since I had already checked the boxes relating to any kind of hobby-type activity I participate in, I left that section blank. BLANK. I have no real hobbies.

Which is Better?

Is it better to, in life, seize every moment and every opportunity, even when being hurt or disappointed eventually is imminent? Or is it better to just seize only the moments that will bring you the most happiness in the long run? Is it really better to just smile that it happened and suck up the fact that you are hurting now because it happened, like all the quotes say? It is hard for me to say that having a few good times can balance out all the bad times that follow. Is it wrong for me to say that it could be better to have only some good times and less hurt? But on the other hand, I guess life is for taking advantage of every good thing that comes your way. Maybe all the good times help you through the bad times. Maybe the good times protect your heart from too much hurt. So.. I guess what I'm saying is that I think it's better to live your life to the fullest, no matter the hurt and sadness that may come (but always live with good moral principles, of course).

Any Takers?

I need to do a photoshoot ASAP. I have some photography stuff that I have yet to use... help a sister out? PLEASE? I have lots of ideas and I feel like my head is going to explode. Check out my photography tab... I have put up a few of the pictures I have taken. Take a minute and think about it... and then say "yes". You would be doing me the most gigantic favor ever!

Tiny Miracles

Have you ever thought about how many things in your day go right? Even when it feels like the world is against you and everything is falling apart... there are still thousands of tiny miracles keeping you sane. 

Think of it this way: 

Sure, you woke up late... but you still caught the bus. Didn't catch the bus and got to school late? At least you got to school. Didn't even get to school? At least you got some exercise. Didn't even leave the house? At least you have a house. Don't have a house? At least you're alive.

Sure, it's raining and you forgot an umbrella because the weatherman said it was going to be sunny... but you still have a pocket to keep your phone dry. Don't have a pocket? At least you didn't drop your phone in a puddle. Dropped your phone in a puddle? At least it didn't get run over by a car. Phone get run over by a car? At least you didn't get run over by a car. Did you get run over? At least you're alive (assumption).

So now that we've established the fact that even having a bad day can be a miracle... can you imagine the amazing-ness of an awesome day? It blows my mind at how many things align to make it that way. And... (drum roll please)... can you comprehend the miracle alignment needed to meet the person meant for you? The person that completes you? That's insane planning from the Heavens above, because I refuse to believe that you can just "bump" into your true love on the subway one day when there are 7 billion people on the planet. I just don't believe in coincidence. 

We are so blessed to have the tender mercies of the Lord. Even if every single day went horribly wrong, and every single thing imaginable went awry, you're still alive (again, I'm making that assumption). Isn't that the coolest miracle ever? There is no way that we just grew here on earth because the living conditions were prime... we were placed here, and we most definitely weren't abandoned here. We have a Father in Heaven who loves us, and he sends us tiny miracles every day to let us know how much (even if it feels like the only good thing of the day is that we are alive... and sometimes that doesn't even feel like a good thing. It is). 

Blue Suede Shoes

Last night I went and saw "All Shook Up" at CPT. I loved it! Partially because I had been in the show before and it was one of my very favorites, but also because they just outright did a great job (also my BFF Hayden Call was in it). It was tough to sit through for the first half because I had wanted to audition so badly, but I stuck it out and I loved every single minute. Sure, it's a super cheesy show and some of the blocking was awkward... but that's alright!
It's a show about finding the person that completes you and makes you, you. About finding the music inside yourself and achieving your own happiness. It doesn't hurt that it's all Elvis music, am I right? It also doesn't hurt that Chad wears a leather jacket. I quite appreciate a man who can pull off a black leather jacket.
I, pathetically enough, am a hopeless romantic. Bleh. After watching every TV relationship not go anywhere, it was good to see people actually end up together. Yes, I do find comfort in watching fake relationships work out.
*Shout out to Jane By Design fans (which is the root of most of my bitterness)... Eli=D-bag and Billy=Idiot* That just needed to be said.
True, "All Shook Up" is entirely unrealistic as it all happens in one day and... how many couples are there at the end? five (three end up married, one couple is too young for marriage and the other (the main couple, which should be the only one getting married if any were to get married at all) decides to just ride off into the sunset... that part is a little whack in my opinion).
Despite a flawed plot, I just adore the show. The music seriously makes me want to just dance uncontrollably. I guess that's why I love theater.

P.S. Don't Step on my Blue Suede Shoes.

Oh, And By The Way

Yes, I have already ordered books for my classes... and I have even started reading Wuthering Heights for English 251. I was feeling pretty good about the idea of college, I was pretty sure I had everything under control. I have half a comforter (soon to be finished) and some dishes, and isn't that all you need?
NO.
Considering the distance from Wyview Park (soon to be my humble abode) and the main part of campus, I knew that some sort of transportation pass was necessary. But do you know what I realized? Two might be more like it. As I will soon be a stupid college student who doesn't know how to get enough sleep, a fast and easy way to get to campus in the morning would be essential (so I can get more sleep). Thus comes in the RYDE shuttle, that will be taking me to campus every morning. My sister soon reminded me however that campus and my apartment are not the only two places I may ever need to go. Crap. Hence I need to get a UTA pass, which would also allow me to get to LDS hospital and the U of U campus for vocal therapy.

And what about exercising? Sure, I'll probably walk home from campus every day... but is that enough? I hear the BYU has the fittest college campus in the nation. Mostly because there isn't any alcohol, but also because the students care about their bodies. This is good and bad. Good because, well, we care about our bodies. Bad, because that means the exercise facilities are always full. A little freshman like me is going to have to get pretty creativity to not put on that freshman 15. I have found some yoga and pilates classes as well as spinning. I could even go for a swim before class. Lucky.
This is only a fraction of the details I need to sort out. I'm one who needs to mentally prepare for everything... and it seems college is just not allowing that to happen. Every time I think I'm getting a handle on what's coming, someone says, "Oh, and by the way... you have no idea what's coming." 

P.S.

This is amazing.

Needles & Things

A couple of months ago I was blessed with a handsome little nephew named Hudson. Unfortunately, there has been a nationwide breakout of the whooping cough and if children, particularly under three months, catch it, it can be fatal. So, today I headed down to the health center to get my shot so I wouldn't have to live my life nephew-less. I fill out the papers, signing away my own life because I'm officially an adult... and guess what? I don't need the shot! Score! I happened to have gotten it in 2006. But my mom decides that going all the way down there without getting a shot was not an option, and she discovered that I hadn't received a vaccination for meningitis. Nice. Thus, I'm all covered for whooping cough and meningitis. Hooray for health!... which usually comes at the price of being jabbed with needles and things.

Addressing Addictions

I must address my addiction and obsession with Richard Armitage. I first became acquainted with him in "North and South". I must admit I fell a little bit in love. I was then browsing through Netflix, looking for something to watch, and what should I come upon but BBC's "Robin Hood"? I'd heard some chatter about it and decided to take it for a go. What a fabulous idea! I found another gem featuring my very own Richard Armitage. And even though he is one of the villains... I kinda wanted him to get the girl. Sad? Possibly. I just couldn't get the image of him being so sweet in "North and South" out of my head. SPOILER: I guess when he stabbed Marian, my heart changed a little. No matter how evil he is in "Robin Hood", I still find him absolutely dreamy. Don't agree? Watch "North and South". That should set you straight.

Oh! And he is going to be in "The Hobbit"!

The Summer Before My Life Began

My entire life up to this point has been about graduating high school. Now that that's done, where do I go? Sure, I'm headed to college soon.. but I've been struggling with the transition period. Where is my life going right in this instant? Am I headed somewhere, progressing? Or just stalling and holding still? This is my last summer of childhood. Life as I have always known it is going to change the minute my parents start the car and leave me in my Wyview Park apartment. Life is never going to be the same again... so I guess I could refer to this as the summer before my life began.
For 18 years it's like I've been playing house, waiting for my turn to try it out for real. Finally, it's time to put on my big girl shoes and quit playing games. That scares me... but my life is all ahead of me. Right now, I can look forward and see so many amazing opportunities and friendships that await me... and I can't wait for it to begin.
I think I've just about got my schedule sorted out for BYU. I made some huge adjustments today to classes and officially declared my major. I feel like I'm growing up, and I pray that I won't fail too epically. I'm worried about a thousand little things; getting a bus pass, finding the classrooms, finding the perfect place to study, etc. But even with all of my doubts and fears, I know it will be the best time of my life. There is nowhere to go but up.. and I intend to.

GO COUGARS!

An Imperfect Science

Yes, I have gone blog happy. And yes, this is another post about my voice.. lame, right?

Surgery is said to be an imperfect science. I even read a book on just that topic last year. Those horror stories would not leave my mind as I lay waiting for a nurse to take me to the OR. Doctors who go into surgery drunk, cut corners, slip some prescription drugs for themselves. I had no idea what to expect.. none whatsoever. Nothing the nurses or doctors told me really made me feel better about being knocked out and my vocal cords being sliced up. Sure, those of you who have had surgery know what it's like... but it was difficult dealing with this situation, not knowing exactly how everything was going to work out.
I checked in a little before 8:00 am and got my sweet hospital bracelet. A nurse led me into a temporary room where I changed into a hospital gown (one of my worst anxieties) and I waited. And waited. Finally, two nurses came in and checked my heart and lungs, and finally... dun dun dun... put in my IV. I thought it was pretty cool! I watched the whole thing. After the nurses left, my parents asked why I had watched... I guess I just couldn't take my eyes off of that large needle getting jammed into my vein. I waited for another half hour, until another nurse came and got me and took us to a "pod" to meet with the two doctors.
The anesthesiologst came in first and talked about general anesthesia and what would happen. Then Dr. Smith came in, the doctor who was actually going to perform the surgery. Blah blah blah. Doctor talk. Then the anesthesiologist gave me a patch behind my ear to help with the nausea that usually occurs in younger girls (i.e. me). While he was wheeling me to the OR, my body started feeling like jello, because he had "slipped" me some stuff when I wasn't looking. IT FELT SO WEIRD! I got into the OR, and they strapped down my arms and put some charger things on me to gauge my heart rate and breath rate. I think they then put a mask on me.. but at about this time... I WAS OUT. It was crazy how fast it happened.
I then woke up in recovery... the absolute worst part of the whole experience. My throat hurt extremely bad, and my mom wasn't there with me. I kinda woke up, but I didn't have my glasses on, which probably made my nausea worse. I was probably in that room, half asleep, for about an hour and a half while they tried to get my pain under control. Finally they took me to a real room, and I got to see my mom and dad.
By the time I left the hospital it was 4:30 pm, and they had given me every kind of nausea medicine they could. The last resort medicine was a shot, but they said it always worked. And it did! I was so happy not to be dizzy and confused. And I was on oxygen... I felt old. Every time I fell asleep, the oxygen or blood pressure bell would go off. Let's just say that the rest in the hospital wasn't the most relaxing I've ever had.
OH! And crazy business... I didn't even have a cyst. What? Once Dr. Smith got down there with a scope and laser, he realized that I had a depression on one side that was causing major nodules. So instead of removing a cyst, he reconstructed my vocal cord and removed a couple of nodules. Isn't that awesome? Doctors amaze me.. he was not prepared for that, but he fixed it without much trouble.. my surgery just went about half an hour longer than predicted. Although surgery is not perfect, and things are always changing... we have some pretty impressive doctors out there.

P.S. I was worried (irrationally) that the anesthesiologist would lose track of how much he had given me and it would kill me. Good news; I'm not dead.